The Real Dead Special
by Beautiful Lady
Summary: Seven dead anime characters, picked to live in a house together. What happens when people stop being polite, and start being real (dead, that is)? A spin-off of the "Afterlife Coffee Break." Read at your own risk. Spoilers: Trigun, Bebop, FF7.


A NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:  
  
This is what is commonly referred to as a "spin off" in the business. Does it relate to the original story, The Afterlife Coffee Break? No. Does it relate to the sequel, The Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break? Not really. So what the hell IS it? It's damn funny, that's what it is.  
  
WARNINGS:  
  
Spoilers for Trigun, Bebop, FF7. Bad language and animal abuse.  
  
*****  
  
Footage shows beautiful shots of a HOUSE. Very hip, modern music begins to play and then the cast speaks in VOICEOVERS.  
  
REM: This is the true story.  
  
LEGATO: Of seven dead anime characters.  
  
SPIKE: Picked to live in a house together.  
  
AERIS: In Purgatory  
  
WOLFWOOD: Let's see what happens.  
  
DOMINIQUE: When people stop being polite  
  
VICIOUS: And start being real.  
  
ALL: The Real Dead World!!!  
  
*****  
  
A HOUSE IN PURGATORY. REM SAVEREM is talking on the phone, SPIKE SPIEGEL is watching television, AERIS GAINSBOROUGH and NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD are out of the HOUSE on a date. DOMINIQUE THE CYCLOPS is talking to herself. LEGATO BLUESUMMERS is eating in the KITCHEN and VICIOUS (too evil for a last name) is storming through the house with what looks like a severed arm.  
  
VICIOUS storms into the KITCHEN.  
  
VICIOUS: Dammit! Legato!  
  
VOICE OVER SPIKE: Vicious and Legato haven't really been getting along lately.  
  
LEGATO: (looks up from his cheesecake) Yes?  
  
VICIOUS: What is this? (sticks the arm under LEGATO'S nose)  
  
LEGATO: (looks at it for a second and then looks at VICIOUS) It's a severed arm.  
  
VICIOUS: Ohhhh.Is that all? A severed arm. Thanks.  
  
LEGATO: No problem.  
  
VICIOUS turns to go and then stops in his tracks.  
  
VICIOUS: WAIT A MINUTE! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S A SEVERED ARM! I CAN SEE THAT! WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT IT WAS DOING IN MY CLOSET!  
  
LEGATO: Well, I was trying to keep it safe and warm.  
  
VICIOUS: (eyebrow twitching) Safe and warm? What in the world are you doing with a severed arm? (he waves the appendage around for emphasis)  
  
LEGATO: Hey! Be careful with that! It's not just anybody's arm.That happens to be MY arm!  
  
VICIOUS: Ugh. (he drops it)  
  
LEGATO falls to the floor to retrieve the arm and holds it like a baby.  
  
LEGATO: (to his arm) Shhhh.There, there now. Daddy won't let the mean man get you.  
  
VICIOUS: This is the last time I'm going to tell you this.I don't want to find anything else like this in my closet or under my bed or hanging from the ceiling.Got it? NO MORE! I'm tired of this already!  
  
VICIOUS stomps out of the KITCHEN, grabs his coat and leaves the HOUSE.  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM.  
  
LEGATO: (holding the arm and looking affronted) I don't understand why he has to be so touchy all the time. (Get it? "touchy"? Severed arm? Ha, ha, ha.hmmm) You'd think he'd try to be a bit more understanding. I mean, I put up with his stupid bird.  
  
VOICE OVER REM: There's always this tension in the house because of them.something's got to give.they're going to have to work out their differences.  
  
A BAR.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (screaming over the music to AERIS) Are you having a good time?  
  
AERIS: (leaning over and screaming back) WHAT?  
  
WOLFWOOD: I SAID: 'ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME'?  
  
AERIS: YES, THANKS!  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
AERIS: I really love going out with Nick.  
  
A HAPPENING NIGHT CLUB.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (screaming over the music) Nice place, huh?  
  
AERIS: WHAT?  
  
WOLFWOOD: I SAID: 'NICE PLACE, HUH?"  
  
AERIS: (sighs) SURE.THANKS.  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
AERIS: He's a great guy but.He always feels the urge to take me out to these really expensive and crowded bars and nightclubs. He says he just wants to give me the best that the afterlife has to offer.but I just want to spend time with him. We can't even talk in these places.the music is so loud.  
  
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. SPIKE is sitting alone talking to the camera.  
  
SPIKE: I don't know. They're a cute couple. They really seem to have hit it off straight away.  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
WOLFWOOD: I'm crazy about her. She's not like any other girl.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM. AERIS and WOLFWOOD are playing a video game together, obviously having a good time. WOLFWOOD is cheating by trying to take the controller from AERIS' hands.  
  
VOICE OVER WOLFWOOD: I just love being around her, ya know? I want to show her that I care.  
  
VOICE OVER AERIS: I feel guilty but I've got to tell him somehow.I really can't keep doing this.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM. REM is on the phone.  
  
REM: (to the caller) No way! For real? That's crazy.and then what did you say? Oh no you didn't!  
  
VOICE OVER SPIKE: Rem is.always on the phone.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM  
  
SPIKE: (walks up to REM and looks rather sheepish) Umm.Rem.?  
  
REM: (still to the caller) Men ALWAYS say that if you catch them wearing your panties.(finally looks at SPIKE) Huh Spike?  
  
SPIKE: (disturbed) Uh.did anybody call for me?  
  
REM: (thinking) Um.oh yeah! About three days ago, this girl called.  
  
VOICE OVER LEGATO: I don't think that Rem tries to be a problem.  
  
SPIKE: (trying to stay calm) Three days ago! Why didn't you tell me?  
  
REM is wearing a confused look and SPIKE sighs and gives up.  
  
SPIKE: (speaking slowly so she can understand) You said it was a girl? What was her name?  
  
REM: Uh.Something like Juliet? Julie?  
  
SPIKE: JULIA? WAS IT JULIA?  
  
REM: Oh yeah! That was it!  
  
VOICE OVER LEGATO: I just think she's.  
  
SPIKE: (trying not to strangle REM) Did she leave a number where I could reach her?  
  
REM: Uh.maybe.  
  
VOICE OVER LEGATO:.oblivious to the rest of the world.  
  
REM: (to the caller) So then I said 'forget that' and she said.  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
SPIKE: I'm going to kill her.(stops to think about what he just said) Okay.so I'm going to hurt her a lot.  
  
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE VICIOUS is sitting by himself and talking to the camera.  
  
VICIOUS: I think it's very funny that I'm not Spike's biggest problem. We get along all right as a matter of fact. But Rem.I think he probably wants to kill her, or hurt her a lot.  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
DOMINIQUE: The truth is that Vicious and Spike get along because they're never in the same room together.When they are around each other they slap at each other and act like complete idiots. It's a lot of fun.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM. VICIOUS and SPIKE are slapping at each other and acting like complete idiots.  
  
SPIKE: It's my turn to be in charge of the remote control!  
  
VICIOUS: Like hell it is! You're just gonna watch something stupid and pointless! I don't want to miss the quality programming I have lined up! It's time for "Days of our lives" so gimme the remote!  
  
VOICE OVER REM: The best thing to do is ignore them when they get like that.  
  
VOICE OVER DOMINIQUE: The best thing to do is place bets when they get like that.  
  
THE KITCHEN  
  
DOMINIQUE: Who's turn was it to take out the trash?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Um.wasn't it Legato's?  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
REM: I don't know what it is.but Legato is never here.The trash could be piling up for weeks when it's his turn, and we have no idea where he is.  
  
THE BASEMENT. LEGATO is strapping monkeys down to gurneys. He is surrounded by equipment and is wearing a lab coat. His shoulder spikes have ripped holes in the lab coat.  
  
LEGATO: They're always complaining about the trash and whose turn it is to mow the grass or whatever. They don't understand the importance of my experiment! I've learned that by injecting monkeys with samples of tissue from the arm I conveniently abducted from Vash The Stampede, and attaching wires to various places on their bodies, I can power a Walkman .  
  
MONKEY: Eeek?  
  
LEGATO sparks two wires together and walks towards the MONKEY with a menacing smile on his face.  
  
LEGATO: Ready to have some fun little monkey?  
  
MONKEY: Fuck.  
  
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. AERIS and WOLFWOOD are sitting on patio furniture.  
  
AERIS: It's another gorgeous day, don't you think?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Yeah.  
  
AERIS: I think it would be great to just sit out here and talk. You know, TALK? Just you and me, together, TALKING.like it used to be. Doesn't TALKING sound nice?  
  
WOLFWOOD: Er.wanna go dancing?  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
DOMINIQUE: The funniest thing to see is when Aeris loses it! It's better than Rem getting pissed.  
  
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE  
  
AERIS: (eyebrow twitching) Nick.listen to me for a minute here.I just want to stay here and talk to you. Don't you miss doing that?  
  
VOICE OVER DOMINIQUE: It takes awhile to get to her.  
  
WOLFWOOD: (confused) So.are you saying that you DON'T wanna go dancing?  
  
VOICE OVER DOMINIQUE: But that girl is absolutely insane. She can scream and throw tantrums with the best of 'em! She's a woman after my own heart!  
  
AERIS: EARTH TO NICHOLAS! NO I DON'T WANT TO GO DANCING! WHAT ABOUT 'NO' DON'T YOU GET? IS IT THE 'N' OR THE 'O'? I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THOSE LOUD, SMOKE FILLED CLUBS WHERE PEOPLE NAMED 'REGGIE' WITH GOLD TEETH AND TATTOOS KEEP HITTING ON ME! I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! BUT WITH THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING, I'M NOT SURE WHY!  
  
AERIS gets up and goes INSIDE.  
  
WOLFWOOD: Er.what did I say?  
  
THE KITCHEN. LEGATO is having a piece of cheesecake.again. The trash is threatening to collapse and destroy the dishwasher.  
  
VICIOUS storms into the room and is holding what looks like a severed monkey arm.  
  
VICIOUS: Dammit! Legato!  
  
LEGATO: (looks up from his cheesecake) Yes?  
  
VICIOUS: What is this? (waves the severed monkey arm under LEGATO'S nose)  
  
LEGATO: (looks at it for a second and then looks at VICIOUS) It's a severed monkey arm.  
  
VICIOUS: Ohhhh.Is that all? A severed monkey arm. Thanks.  
  
LEGATO: No problem.  
  
VICIOUS turns and leaves. LEGATO shrugs and finishes his cheesecake.  
  
VOICE OVER SPIKE: I dunno what happened.but Legato and Vicious have been getting along a lot better lately.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM. REM is on the phone.  
  
REM: (to the caller) Did you tell him that things like that don't really go in there? I mean, it's just not sanitary.  
  
SPIKE walks up to her.  
  
SPIKE: Uh.Rem?  
  
REM: (to the caller) No way! Did he tell you where he bought it because those are illegal! (finally notices SPIKE) Yes Spike, what do you need?  
  
SPIKE: (takes a deep breath) I actually need to talk to you.it's kind of important.  
  
REM: (to the caller) Achika? I have to call you back.one of my roommates wants to talk about something "important".yeah I know! What can you do? Bye!  
  
SPIKE: (frowning) Rem.I wanted to talk to you about your phone habits. It's just that you're on the phone all the time! And even that wouldn't be such a problem except that you don't take messages from the callers and then when you do, it takes you days and sometimes weeks to get them to us! I don't want to be a pain, but I've missed some VERY important calls and I.I just want to see if some sort of arrangement can be reached?  
  
REM: (looks saddened by the news) Gee, Spike.I didn't know I was being such a problem. I'm really sorry.  
  
SPIKE: (smiling because he thinks he's made progress) Well, it's okay, just.  
  
REM: (cuts him off) It's okay? Really? Does that mean that I can call Atchika back now?  
  
THE CONFESSION ROOM  
  
SPIKE: I'm going to resurrect her and THEN I'm going to hurt her.a lot.and THEN I'm going to kill her and THEN I'm going to resurrect her again and THEN.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM  
  
REM: (to the caller) No, he went away, said something about needing to vent some anger. He really is such a nice guy.But tell me about what you did after you found the antlers.  
  
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. AERIS is sitting by herself reading a book. WOLFWOOD walks up behind her with flowers.  
  
WOLFWOOD: It's a.real pretty day.  
  
AERIS: (freezes and then takes a steadying breath) Yes it is.  
  
WOLFWOOD: It's a.real nice day for a.walk in the park or for going to the beach.what do you think?  
  
AERIS hops up and throws her arm around his neck.  
  
AERIS: That sounds wonderful! Are these for me? I love flowers like this! They're the best! I'm so happy!  
  
VOICE OVER WOLFWOOD: I just want to give her the best the afterlife has to offer.  
  
VOICE OVER DOMINIQUE: Happy people like that makes my hair catch on fire and my ass itch.  
  
THE LIVING ROOM. VICIOUS is listening to music on headsets and DOMINIQUE walks through and sees him.  
  
DOMINIQUE: Hey Vicious.?  
  
VICIOUS: (takes off the headsets) Yes?  
  
DOMINIQUE: I just gotta ask.You and Legato have been getting along really well lately.what happened?  
  
VICIOUS: He gave me this awesome Walkman ! It works really well, the only problem is that every once in awhile I hear it make these funny, monkey noises.  
  
DOMINIQUE: Well, they were free so you can't complain!  
  
THE BASEMENT. LEGATO is picking up monkey parts.  
  
LEGATO: The experiment was a success but all the test subjects have exploded except for Bubbles over there and he's getting the treatment tomorrow.  
  
BUBBLES: Eeek?  
  
LEGATO: The good news is that the body parts still contain a charge and can be used in equipment of all kinds..they have three times the power of a regular battery. If only the monkeys didn't continue to scream and holler inside the machines.Well, that's okay, Bubbles will fix all of that tomorrow! (to BUBBLES in a cutsie voice) We're going to find a nice balance in the electrical currents so that you don't explode! Yes we are! Or at least we can keep you from screaming after you're in a million, tiny little pieces!  
  
BUBBLES: Fuck.  
  
~Owari~  
  
No monkeys were injured in the writing of this fic.  
  
Vicious may have gotten a headache though, and we're really sorry. 


End file.
